Words: How to Survive a hangover at work (and not get fired) / 解難系列: 如何在上班時戰勝宿醉(最少唔會被人炒)
(中文版在後面) It’s a Wednesday night out, and one drink turns into many. Next thing you know it is way too late and you are hammered. Basically… you’re fucked for work in the morning. Or are you? Chillax, we’ve got you covered.
430AM pre-sleep preparation
Ideally you would have ironed your work outfit before you went out, but if you didn’t… do it before you sleep. Shower and shave at night if you must, but these are invaluable activities for looking fresh at work – remember, it’s all about perception. Set alarms, MANY FUCKING ALARMS.
You’ve woke up! Congrats! Gum CHECK, sports drink CHECK, water CHECK, Panadol CHECK, stomach pills for sore tummy (god forbid explosive diarrhea coming on in a meeting!) and Strepsils for throat (don’t sound like some murderer). Cologne shower CHECK, but not too much cologne. Don’t smoke before coming in, remember last night’s outfit stinks of cigs, booze, vom etc. Especially jeans and suit pants – they always honk… wear a new pair.
Level up: Cosmetic blemish for hickies, skin care that takes care of the eye bags, and Visine for red eyes.
WASH ANY CLUB STAMPS OFF – A scrub will do that. Now chug the sports drink and water. Take the MTR/Bus and reflect on your sins. Chew gum, calm the fuck down and get into your Zen space before you enter the office.
NOTE: Pr and damage control
If you have cultivated a rep for being a party animal, don’t bother even reading this part. If not, keep the extent of your activities a secret from colleagues… it may be advised to isolate the amount of people who know you were dancing naked at 3am in some sketchy Wan Chai bar.
Lies and image management are key. You may have even been spotted out or put on Facebook by some idiot. Don’t pretend you didn’t go out, just tell your colleagues… I GOT HOME AT 1:30. It sounds realistic without making you look like a complete boozer.
9AM: Fuck! I’m at work!
Don’t panic…Get in, don’t be too silent but don’t be too chatty, if you are trashed – you will be TOO CHATTY. Keep your mouth closed, it stinks like twenty year-old unwashed underwear.
The “Must do” work tasks: Complete them immediately before you sober up. When you sober up, you will be USELESS.
- Black coffee is awesome. Don’t drink too much immediately, things can get weird
- When sending emails, don’t be too liberal. Draft only if possible for next day send. Do not chat up office crushes with ridiculous emails saying “you had me at hello” or something more sleazy. THIS WILL GET YOU FIRED
- Cancel any meetings you can, look focused in the ones you cant avoid, but don’t say anything of consequence. In fact, just shut the fuck up and take notes, nod helpfully and avoid eye contact. If someone asks your opinion, utter: “that’s interesting, let me email you with my thoughts”
1230PM: I’m sobering up… I hate life
At lunch, something greasy is nice, or even a drink if possible to avoid being sober and keep up your drunken cheerfulness as the headache comes on. But…
- Beer is a no no – too stinky and dehydrating
- NO SHOTS
- Opt for a light white wine, or best, a Bloody Mary. Vodka has less of a scent
- Stay off the cigs (they will just choke you out and make you smell shitty)
Now is the time to think about setting up early off site meetings that you can go home early from. If not possible, establish a set of menial tasks that you can’t possibly screw up, such as organising your name cards or time sheets.
3PM Depression and tiredness
The afternoon crash is inevitable – don’t fight it, work with it. For this, music is good (it tells colleagues that you want to be alone – FUCK OFF). Just don’t choose something too emotional that reminds you of heartbreak, failure, or dead pets (you will tear up – at which point people will think you’re a psycho). If you are struggling, the toilet is an emergency option for quick snooze. Grim, but it’s got to be done.
Hold off for a lifesaving 4pm spam and egg instant noodles and cold ice coffee (or equivalent grease and sugar filled snacks). Then it will be about 430pm, when your whole body will be screaming from every pore and orifice and your mind will have been through an emotional rollercoaster from happiness, to absolute horror, or pure regret, as your flashbacks become horrible realities. YOU WILL WANT TO KILL PEOPLE OR YOURSELF. DON’T.
Close, but you’re not out of the woods yet. In fact you don’t really care about life anymore, you’re beyond emotion, and into exhaustion.
BUT HEY! Only an hour to go – look busy by clearing up your desk or shuffling papers and making professional sounding comments while calling your work mates. You are a marathon runner nearing the final mile… soon enough … it’s 559, you’ve made it baby, time to go to the bar and do it all again!
星期三，本來想去飲野Relax 下，點知一杯變十杯，最後仲要表演一秒一杯？心諗太遲喇！世界已經阻止唔到我……飲…咦！嘩_! 聽朝要返工架喎！唉醉_哂！唉唔_驚！等哥哥教你點收科吧喇！
430 AM 睡前準備
745 AM 自我檢查列表
重點：洗走你個Club 個入場印- 擦下佢就得。宜家洗胃咁飲左你啲運動飲料同水。去坐港鐵/巴士，再好好反省你尋晚嘅罪行！食粒香口膠，冷靜下再扮無事行入辦公室。
認真mode！ 如果你已經因為爛蒲聞名於天下，算吧喇呢part 你唔洗睇。如果唔係，尋晚去過邊？天知地知你自己知就夠了。最好唔好同知你尋晚瘋狂跳舞裸跑嘅同事傾計，廢事佢地爆你大獲。
呢個時候，善意謊言同保持形象好重要，有啲人可能會係Facebook tag 左你，記住唔好扮無出去，話俾你啲同事知你1:30已經返左屋企。咁樣如幻似真嘅大話先有人信！
9AM 嘩_! 我返緊工喇！
- 回覆電郵時唔好太Free style, 可以的話只起草，明天送出
可以取消嘅meeting 全部取消，只專注在不可取消嘅會議上。呢個時候唔好搏表現，收聲抄notes 算啦！適時點頭同迴避眼神接觸。有人問你意見，你就答”好問題！我考慮下，遲少少電郵回覆你！”
- 唔好飲啤酒 ｰ 只會令你口乾口臭
- 白酒，Bloody Mary 最好。vodka 都算陣味細啲。
宜家就好plan 下有冇啲離開公司嘅meeting, 令你可以早啲返屋企休息。如果無，返公司做啲輕鬆容易嘅工作，例如整理名片，time sheet…
下午疲憊係無可避免，唔好反抗，順勢而行。聽下音樂(令同事知道你想靜下) 但唔好聽太激動嘅歌，令自己諗起舊愛，失敗同死去寵物(你喊，啲人會以為你痴左線) 如果頂唔順，衝入廁所吧！雖然唔好睇，不過都要架啦！
四點本來要tea 一 tea, 不過今日唔好喇，平時份餐蛋治咖啡(或其他油膩含糖食品)唔好食喇！到左四點半，你全身都會抗議你尋晚既選擇，你嘅情緒會起伏好大，你會想殺人或者自我了斷。千祈唔好啊！
就放監，啊唔係，放工喇！事實上你宜家已經唔care 任何野，你已經好攰好眼瞓！不過！！仲有一個鐘就同老闆講89798! 扮下忙，執下枱，剪下紙，打下電話俾同事同工作伙伴，講下啲扮pro 嘅野。呢場馬拉松終點已經近在眼前，加油啊！5:59pm 㗎喇！仲有一分鐘！恭喜你！你成功左喇Baby!! 再去飲杯慶祝下喇！聽日又黎多次姐最多哈哈！